Dear Unaware Leader,
The lack of diversity on your team or within your company is not because there are not enough of a certain race, gender, etc. available to fill a position. It is because you have not done your part to seek them out, make them feel included or encouraged them to stick around. The answer is easy, the execution is hard. Are you ready to step up?
I am going to assume that since you are reading this you have good intent. You genuinely believe that gender, race, sexual orientation, personality type, etc. does not hinder someone from excelling at most roles. If you do not believe this – stop. Do not pass Go. Seek other help. This is for those who want to drive change and make an impact. It must start with AWARENESS.
I am all too familiar with this topic because I have been the minority on many teams. I have been the only girl on the ‘co-ed’ soccer team, only female in sales organizations, the lonely female executive in technology companies. I was often the only woman because I was determined and believed that anything a boy could do, I could do better. I refused to leave and ignored the feelings of harassment, exclusion, and isolation. Eventually though, I would give up.
I have lived with unconscious bias my entire life. My parents encouraged me and convinced me I could do anything I put my mind to, and I did. As the captain of each of my sports teams, the drum major, and recipient of a full college scholarship, I overachieved in nearly everything I did. Being a woman did not stop me. When I got in the business world though, my father’s unconscious bias slowly started to erode my confidence. He coached me that when I went for lunch with the partner of the accounting firm, I should not ask the waiter directly for water. I should let the partner (he was a man) order it for me. When I came home and shared the first promotion I received, my father congratulated me and justified why the man did not get the job, “he must have a family and couldn’t work as many hours as you.“ When I shared that I outdrove my partner on the golf course, he rationalized that my boyfriend must have been having a bad day. He always complemented me, while making excuses for the man. His words had unintended consequences. (BTW, my dad is an amazing man, with nothing but good intent and I love him dearly).
At work, I kept my head down and excelled in my roles. I earned the reputation as someone who could always get things done, who was a good leader; someone that you could count on. When I had a good idea, I learned that the best way to ensure it was taken seriously and put into action was to convince the majority male voice in the room that it was their idea. I was great at being #2 (the wizard behind the curtain). However, each time that opportunity for a leap to a bigger position presented itself, I was overlooked.
Slowly, I started to lose my confidence in my skills, capabilities, and experience. Perhaps being a woman was the reason I did not get the roles. I could not prove it though. I worried that if I spoke up, I would be deemed a troublemaker. If I leaned in and acted as a man, I would be called a “bitch.” I was coached, “stay focused and perform well, eventually you will get the role.” I eventually quit.
This is not just my story. This is the story of so many minorities that decide it is not worth the uphill battle. At some point, they just stop trying. They might quit, do the bare minimum, chose to be the stay at home mom, or maybe even start their own business. Anything to avoid having to keep pushing upwards in the face of adversity. Either way, you have lost them. When you ask yourself, “why is there a lack of diversity?” consider it may be because you have slowly eroded away their confidence, overtly caused them to quit, or unconsciously caused them to choose other more meaningful paths due to your actions and attitude. The only ones left standing are those like you.
The lightbulb
I am passionate about this topic. I know that if I feel this way, then there are many more that feel the same way. Since I genuinely believe most people do not have bad intent; the key to success must be having the right leader/mentor to help magnify your voice. When I found a self-aware leader that cared, and who knew how to empower me, enable me, and give me the voice I needed, I re-engaged and propelled my career forward. To date, I have been challenged in articulating what actions or lack of actions the average boss takes that results in the feeling of exclusion and eventually lack of diversity.
Yesterday, when I was pushed into the corner again and about to leave a group I passionately cared about, I finally recognized a root cause of the issue. This story is intended to share how a simple, innocent encounter could have such a profound impact.
The leader started our monthly meeting extremely excited about an idea. He suggested that our next activity should focus on the lack of Diversity and Inclusion within various industries. Excitedly, he jumps into setting the agenda, “I have personal experience with the efforts at my company. I know 2 females I work closely with that can be on the panel. I think it is great, what do you think?” I piped in: “This is great. I am happy to jump in. I used to be a Chief People Officer at a Technology company and have been in the tech industry for over 20 years. I personally hit the glass ceiling and have conducted much research and talks on this topic.” He nodded and continued, “Ok. So, if you are all good with this, I’ll confirm with the rest of the group and get it moving.”
I felt like I was on mute. I thought to myself: as the only female in the group, wouldn’t it be a good idea for me to step in and help drive this? I felt completely dismissed. What had I done wrong? Did I not explain myself well? Does he not know what I have accomplished? Was I not capable? All the self-doubt that has been ingrained over the years came bubbling back up.
My first reaction was, “I’m done!” This is not the first time I felt one of my numerous ideas had been ‘dismissed’ by the group. Now it was on a topic that I consider myself well-versed in. The talk track in my head is playing out, “why bother, you aren’t adding value to this group, and you could use the time back. Time to work with others that care.”
I did not quit. I stopped to think out what was really going on. The leader was a good man. He cared. We shared similar values. He was a dad with girls he was trying to empower. Had he really done anything “wrong?” His idea was good. It was a great topic. He was excited to move things forward. I cannot fault him for his enthusiasm. Perhaps I was being too sensitive.
After further reflection, I realized that it was the unintended consequence of his actions that upset me. He simply did not hear me or acknowledge me. He was too caught up in sharing his own ideas about fixing diversity issues that he could not see he was creating one himself. His lack of acknowledgement made me feel unneeded, not worthy, excluded, and wasting my time. These unintended consequences have built up over time and eventually eroded my engagement and desire to continue to participate. These subtle actions are what causes the lack of diversity in companies today.
So, what did I do? I called him and told him how I felt. As I had suspected, he had no idea how he had made me feel and had nothing but good intent regarding the topic. He genuinely felt bad and listened to understand what he had said and how I had interpreted the conversation. As I explained, it was not what he said, it was what he did not say and his lack of awareness of my needs; to be acknowledged and appreciated for what I had to offer to the team and discussion.
Let me be clear on something, I do not want to be given something because I am a woman. I want to earn the opportunity. I would prefer to be told my idea is not good (with rationale) rather than it go on deaf ears. Think about where I have come from. I have been conditioned over time to assume my idea will not be taken seriously. I have chosen not to be too demanding or overt within my thoughts, so not to be considered a “bitch”. I was looking to be heard.
It was only when I brought it to his attention that he could finally be aware. I received an email shortly after our conversation, “Hey, just wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes, doing the hard thing of raising this issue, and caring enough to do so.” As difficult as it was for me to have that conversation, I am appreciative of the outcome. He and I can now have the open dialogue which will allow him to be more aware and me to call out when I do not feel included.
Be the change
Most people will focus on the large and obvious solutions, like Unconsious Bias training, moving minorities into leadership positions, asking successful minority business people to speak about their success, and perhaps even mentor others. These are all good and important things. However, until we become more aware of our everyday conversations (or lack thereof) and personal connections things will not change. It is critical for everyone, especially the leader to be ultra-aware of everyone in the room, pull them into the conversation and not exclude them. Most folks in the minority are waiting to see if this will be yet another situation where they are passed over. Not considered. Not acknowledged. Maybe they are being too sensitive. Maybe I was. But until we acknowledge this situation and start to build up confidence and allow people to feel included, we need to be hyper aware and inclusive.
Next time you have a chance, ask a successful minority in business what the key elements to their success were. From those that I have spoken to, they will share it is hard work, having a thick skin, being true to who they are, and ultimately having a leader in their corner rooting for them, coaching them, interrupting for them and helping them get heard.
This lack of diversity and inclusion is your problem. It is your behavior and words over years that have left many unacknowledged and feeling excluded. Unacknowledged and excluded people do not give their best. They often quit. This has led to the lack of diversity that exists today.
But you can change that by taking these simple steps, day in and day out. You did not get into this position overnight, so it will not improve overnight. First and foremost, be aware. Be aware of your strengths, weaknesses and most importantly how you are perceived. Be aware of your team and their preferences and most importantly their communication styles. You do not always need to be the one talking. Ask questions. Listen to their answers.
Leadership is about inspiring and empowering your team to be their best, so you all accomplish greatness together. When you lead with your heart, stop and listen you will create personal connections with everyone on your team and build a more inclusive team fostering more diversity.
Respectfully,
The idea begging to be heard
